Blast from the past

I was looking through some documents I keep on my computer (I forget what I was looking for in particular) and I came across this little list. I have NO IDEA why I would have kept this list, but apparently I’ve had it since 2001. Enjoy:

The IT team felt that it would be good to provide you with this guide to help us do our jobs better:

 

1.  When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art.  We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2.  Don’t write anything down.  Ever.  We can play back the error messages from here.

3.  When an IT person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee.  That way you won’t be there when we need your password.  It’s nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords.

4.  When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it.  We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

5.  When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once.  We’re just testing.

6.  When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out.  We exist only to serve.

7.  Send urgent email all in uppercase.  The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8.  When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support.  There’s electronics in it.

9.  When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support.  We can fix your telephone line from here.

10.  When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.

11.  When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12.  When an IT person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue.  We love a good argument.

13.  When an IT person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice:  “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.

14.  When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15.  When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company.  One of them is bound to work.

16.  Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical.  We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.

17.  Don’t use online help.  Online help is for wimps.

18.  If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it.  Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19.  If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade.  Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20.  When you get a message saying “Are you sure?” click on that Yes button as fast as you can.  Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

21.  When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.  We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

22.  Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer rubbish.”  We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as rubbish.

23.  When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT support.  Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master’s Degree in nuclear physics.

24.  When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call IT support.

25.  When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.

26.  When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk.  We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.

27.  When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment.  We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.

28.  Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.  Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

29.  When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $600,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: “Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?”  That’s another one that cracks us up no end.

30.  When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Podunk like to keep abreast of what’s going on.

31.  When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question.  We do weekends.

32.  When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home.  We’ll find all the settings and drivers somewhere….

Thanks, IT Support

Sometimes ya just gotta laugh

So the hail back in March finally killed my car. Actually the car was fine except for the body damage. The cost to repair the body was more than 70% of the value of my ’05 Accord, so the insurance company decided to total it. I had the choice to keep the car minus the ‘salvage value’ and have my title changed to a ‘salvage/hail damage’ title or to let the insurance company take the car. I got a very good price for the car so I let them take it.

Gotta say it was a VERY sad day watching that car get towed away. NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! Someone, somewhere, is going to get a VERY good deal at auction so long as they don’t care about ‘dents’. Miss it already.

Anyway, the title is now being transferred between me and the insurance company so for a couple of days I have no car and no payment. So I CANNOT go get anything until the cash is in my account. Should be good to go around Tuesday-Wednesday.

That’s the setup, and here’s the funny. The long suffering wife, who’s been shuffling me around the last couple of days, has an out of town doctor’s appointment that’s been scheduled for months. She won’t be around and she’ll be taking her car. So I called my Dad down to let me borrow his car for a day or two. He agreed, and was due down at my casa tomorrow. Turns out his car engine light just came on. HE’S without a car for a couple of days!

For some reason that made me laugh. Anyway, it’ll work out. I’ll drive the wife to her folks place and then drive her car back home. She’ll use her folk’s car for a day or two around Columbus, then I’ll drive back up and get her. Not having a car REALLY sucks. Hope the replacement car I end up getting is as dependable as my old Honda. That thing was awesome in the dependability department.

Birth of a new word?

First time I ever heard the term ‘Derp’ was in a South Park episode. They introduced a new character to replace Chef. Who knew then that a new word would enter the lexicon?

Apparently it’s popular enough that even the New York Times knows about it.

 

BigJim found that the earliest know ‘Derp’ was still Matt and Trey but it was in ‘Basketball’. Great catch!

 

 

Where did all the great comics go?

I remember growing up reading Gary Larson’s ‘The Far Side’ and Berkeley Breathed’s “Bloom County”. Even today when I go back and read these guys work I’m amazed by how damn funny and SMART it was. Where is the funny; where is the smart, today?

I read quite a few web-comics, and while I like them, I really don’t think they live up to the funny AND smart standard of Larson or Breathed. XKCD is probably the closest current running comic that comes close. I don’t score him quite as highly simply because he only works with stickmen, but the funny and the smart is certainly there.

What am I missing? Point me to your favorites!